Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
