Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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