I want to make a zoo with you.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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