Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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