god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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