I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
she told me i tasted like america
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bondingš
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentineās Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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