im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
