Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
