best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
