i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
