my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
