also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize
