My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
