I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
