I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
