So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
