i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
