IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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