Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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