my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
