remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
there is glitter all over my balls
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