Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize