the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
