He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
