I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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