I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
