i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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