Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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