seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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