Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
