my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I think my fart just growled at me.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
