i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
