I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The feeling are messing with the penis
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
