ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
