So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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