glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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