im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
