theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
