my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
