6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
