I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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