How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
