she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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