How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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