I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize