You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
