apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
