She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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