a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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