Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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