Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
