i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
