you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
