Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize