OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize