I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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