The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize