Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
